Okay, so it’s rerun season. Does that mean we have to settle for absolutely brainless TV? Are we doomed to watching mindless nighttime reruns of Friends and Family Guy on sixteen different channels in forty languages? Of course not! We can watch mindless reality shows!
But for those of you who are sick of reality and long for some realistic sex and violence on television, this is for you. In the lofty traditions of Dallas, Dynasty and Desperate Housewives, make way for… TRAVESTY!
Note the originality of the plot. (Hey, it’s rerun season!)
INTERIOR. A pink frilly bedroom. Daytime. An attractive young woman in full makeup and Victoria’s Secret underwear reclines on the bed, moaning fatuously. An older man kneels by her side, wringing his well-manicured hands.
Lance: “Tell me April, I gotta know. Is the baby mine?”
April (in bed): “Oh Lance! Oh Lance! <sob!> …what baby?”
Michael enters the room.
Michael: “April honey, I’ve got something to tell you.”
April: “No - <sob> - not-“
April: “You? And Lance?”
Michael: “And your mother’s been hit by a beer truck, and the boutique has burnt down.”
April (standing up in bed): “THE BOUTIQUE?”
Michael: “We saved the clothes, but the jewelry was a meltdown. Sorry.”
April (clutching throat): “I can’t take it anymore! This is too much for one day.”
Michael: “And it’s only 8 a.m.”
Lance (clearing throat): “About your mother…”
April (collapsing on bed): “OH-MY-GOD, MOTHER! She hated beer.”
Lance: “I have something to tell you…”
April (to director): “Do I faint now?”
Lance: “…she’s actually not your mother…”
April: “You mean-“
Lance: “Yes. I am”
<gasps all around>
Michael: “That trip to Sweden…?”
Michael: “But didn’t we…?”
Director (to April): “You can faint now.”
Stay tuned next week for more riveting drama, when April asks the question, “How do you tell if blue cheese is bad?”